Being 50

by Beth Alexander Walsh

     Next month I am celebrating a milestone birthday and decided that I would share my reflections of the past five decades. I scribbled down thoughts on Post-its, thinking how those pearls of wisdom would turn into this magnum opus that would attract readers from far and wide. Instead, when I sat in front of my laptop with those scraps of paper, I couldn't write anything. Not one word. Zilch!

     My first response was to berate myself for ever thinking I could write in the first place. (I am very good at mental self flagellation!) It occurred to me, however, that my mistake was writing with the sole purpose of attracting the reader instead of writing for myself. If I am not being true to myself in my writing (and life) then everything I project rings hollow. There is always a risk in showing your true self. What if people see me and don't like that person? At my age I think the risk is worth taking, so I will share a few of those Post-its.

My cute shoe days are over, and that's okay.

     This may seem like a shallow statement, but in my younger days I could skip down the cobblestones of Faneuil Hall in three inch spiked heels at 2 a.m. without a second thought of spraining an ankle. A few years down the road I would wear the cute shoes and bring the practical ones in an oversized bag. Today, I test run a pair of shoes for 5 minutes before going out, and if I am thinking about my feet once during that time, I ditch them. I would rather be present in my surroundings and the people I am with, instead of thinking about my feet! The same applies to uncomfortable clothing and complicated hair.

I am never too old to learn something new.

    When I was 19, I went to Disney's Epcot with my mother and sister. The park was brand new and only half the countries in the World Showcase had been built. I remember viewing the progression of human communication on Spaceship Earth and marveling at scenes depicting future children talking to each other through television screens. Of course, the attraction has since been updated several times, because the progression far surpassed anything Disney could imagine.

     It has been amazing coming of age during this incredible surge in technology. Our “Spaceship Earth” has indeed become a smaller place, with the exchange of thoughts and ideas via social media and the internet. I know personally, I discover something new everyday, and with an open curious mind the capacity to learn is endless. Hopefully technology will some day help people see past their own stagnant dogmas and focus on our commonality instead of what sets us apart. It is indeed a Small World After All.

I am grateful for this body.

     I am starting to appreciate this vessel of mine no matter what its size or appearance, which is a giant leap from my 22-year-old self that thought she was too fat at a size 7. I am thankful for wide capable hips that brought new life into the world. My furrowed brows are a reminder of how many times I was able to squint into the sunlight and I am grateful to have laughed so much as to create some lines. I look at every scar, stretch mark and wrinkle as a road map to this body's journey. I also realize that I should treat this vessel a little bit kinder and in a more healthful way, so the journey may continue for years to come.

It really is all about L-O-V-E

     Millions of songs have been written about it, movies are based on it, and there are websites to help you find it (although be careful what words you put into your search engine). It is love. Everybody wants it, but strangely enough it is hard to define.

I recently found a wonderful quote from Brene Brown in The Gift of Imperfection. She writes:

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow. A connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

     Loving yourself is not an easy task, (see mental self flagellation above). I wish I were evolved enough to say, that it is rare for me to have a self-defeating thought during any given day, but I am getting better at recognizing those thoughts for what they are. Writing has helped enormously, although it still takes some courage to share what I write, as I am left vulnerable to scrutiny. I know that when I am feeling secure within myself, it opens the doors to better connections with family and friends, and especially my writing. It also points me into a direction of higher purpose.

     I have also learned that the best parts of me have always been there. I am still the little girl singing next to her father while he plays the piano and the giggling teenager surrounded by high school friends. I am still the young bride looking forward to a future with her groom and I will forever be a mom worrying about her children's welfare well into their adulthood. Though outward appearances have changed I remain essentially me, although now at 50...even more so.