Epiphany
by Tom Holland
February 21st, 2001
I woke up in a bed at High Point Detox in Plymouth, MA ready (terrified) to start my day. This was to be the first day in 6 years that I wa...s going to not go to a clinic window, give my name, receive a dixie cup filled with 100mg of methadone mixed with orange tang, drink it and be able to function for the next 24 hours. I had spent the past 5 days weening from 100mg to 5mg and I knew that my next 30 days would be torture, mentally and physically.
6 days prior I had been living in a $100 a week motel room paid for by my Mother in Hyannis. I had to walk the streets picking up cans to get enough money to buy a pack of Camel straights and a little Debbie snack cake as my meal for the day. This had become my life, this was all I had left and I realized just how far down I had taken myself. I went from a traveler of the world seeing amazing places, meeting incredible people and experiencing one of a kind moments to this...
I knew at that moment, at my lowest point in life that there had to be something more. I was always told that Heroin addicts were losers, that we didn't have a chance to recover. I believed them because for the prior 15 years I never could recover. My attempts were always half-hearted at best anyways, usually results of some jackpot I'd got myself into and not because I truly wanted to change. I knew something was different this time though. I had an epiphany while I was pulling the plastic tag around the top of the short cigarette pack and tearing the silver folded paper off of those Camels, that I had a greater purpose in life and something needed to change. I had felt it growing in me for a while now this total discontent with my lifestyle, the people around me, the choices I continued to make. I sat on Main St watching normal people go about their day and I was so jealous. I just wanted to be one of them to go about MY day routinely, to stop and talk to the guy in the suit and discuss whatever they were talking about in whatever crazy language I thought they must speak. I saw parents with kids and I felt a twinge of jealousy deep inside my gut, that I had lost something unidentifiable yet wonderful and that was a new, weird feeling.
I always thought I was free, that I was above everyone else because I was "living" and not tied down to a place, a person or a thing. I had such a grandiose and superior feeling about myself and my purpose. I always thought I was special, that I was meant for something bigger and greater. I thought I was meant to change the world, that people would know me and remember my name. At the time plenty of people knew my name but it was not spoken with joy, I was a name reviled by the many I had hurt along the way. All of these people, all of the loss, all of the regret flooded into me with each drag of my Camel non-filter and I knew I had to do something!
I found the number to High Point Detox and when I called I think I may have stammered and hesitantly spoke the words "I need help" I know every muscle in my body fought the urge to slam the phone down in fear and run straight back to what I knew best and because of that I heard the woman say "We have one bed and if you call me at 8am tomorrow and can get here it's yours." This wave of relief came over me and I knew at that moment this was what I wanted, this was the first step to a new life. I called my Mother and asked her if she'd bring me the next morning and the saint that she is my mom took another day off from work to pick me up and drop me off. More than likely she was thinking the whole time that yet again this will be a temporary delay before the inevitable phone call she'll receive in the middle of the night saying that I like so many of my friends before me overdosed and died. What she didn't know was this time was different, that I was different. I made a choice before walking in the door to High Point that this time I knew that if I had any chance at all of overcoming my addiction that I had to ask for help, shut up and listen and most importantly to do whatever anyone that knew better than me told me because I knew nothing about this new life and so that's what I did...that's what I do.
Fifteen years later I haven't found the need to pick up a drink or a drug and my life is beyond wonderful! I am here today because I made a commitment to listen to others that know more than me. I am here today because my family has supported me throughout my journey. My wife and kids have never seen me take a drink and I pray they never will. I am here today because of my belief in a power greater than myself and I am able to release the burden of controlling the world to that power and I can just focus on what is in my control that day and it is liberating.
As I look back and reflect on those darkest days I realize that I was correct when I believed I had a higher purpose in life, that I was going to change the world and people would know my name. I just had no idea at the time that the name I'd be known as and remembered by in the world was "Dad".
February 21st, 2016
(I have never mentioned what my addiction was to in public, I always just say I don't drink. I must admit I am not totally comfortable with my decision to do so this morning, I am always very private and protective of this because of the stigma that comes with Heroin Addiction but I feel today more than anytime in the past people need to hear from us who have seen the other side of addiction and known a better life. This addiction is tearing apart our kids, our friends, our family and I hope that maybe if one person sees it's possible than it's worth it to share something so private with others.)
I knew at that moment, at my lowest point in life that there had to be something more. I was always told that Heroin addicts were losers, that we didn't have a chance to recover. I believed them because for the prior 15 years I never could recover. My attempts were always half-hearted at best anyways, usually results of some jackpot I'd got myself into and not because I truly wanted to change. I knew something was different this time though. I had an epiphany while I was pulling the plastic tag around the top of the short cigarette pack and tearing the silver folded paper off of those Camels, that I had a greater purpose in life and something needed to change. I had felt it growing in me for a while now this total discontent with my lifestyle, the people around me, the choices I continued to make. I sat on Main St watching normal people go about their day and I was so jealous. I just wanted to be one of them to go about MY day routinely, to stop and talk to the guy in the suit and discuss whatever they were talking about in whatever crazy language I thought they must speak. I saw parents with kids and I felt a twinge of jealousy deep inside my gut, that I had lost something unidentifiable yet wonderful and that was a new, weird feeling.
I always thought I was free, that I was above everyone else because I was "living" and not tied down to a place, a person or a thing. I had such a grandiose and superior feeling about myself and my purpose. I always thought I was special, that I was meant for something bigger and greater. I thought I was meant to change the world, that people would know me and remember my name. At the time plenty of people knew my name but it was not spoken with joy, I was a name reviled by the many I had hurt along the way. All of these people, all of the loss, all of the regret flooded into me with each drag of my Camel non-filter and I knew I had to do something!
I found the number to High Point Detox and when I called I think I may have stammered and hesitantly spoke the words "I need help" I know every muscle in my body fought the urge to slam the phone down in fear and run straight back to what I knew best and because of that I heard the woman say "We have one bed and if you call me at 8am tomorrow and can get here it's yours." This wave of relief came over me and I knew at that moment this was what I wanted, this was the first step to a new life. I called my Mother and asked her if she'd bring me the next morning and the saint that she is my mom took another day off from work to pick me up and drop me off. More than likely she was thinking the whole time that yet again this will be a temporary delay before the inevitable phone call she'll receive in the middle of the night saying that I like so many of my friends before me overdosed and died. What she didn't know was this time was different, that I was different. I made a choice before walking in the door to High Point that this time I knew that if I had any chance at all of overcoming my addiction that I had to ask for help, shut up and listen and most importantly to do whatever anyone that knew better than me told me because I knew nothing about this new life and so that's what I did...that's what I do.
Fifteen years later I haven't found the need to pick up a drink or a drug and my life is beyond wonderful! I am here today because I made a commitment to listen to others that know more than me. I am here today because my family has supported me throughout my journey. My wife and kids have never seen me take a drink and I pray they never will. I am here today because of my belief in a power greater than myself and I am able to release the burden of controlling the world to that power and I can just focus on what is in my control that day and it is liberating.
As I look back and reflect on those darkest days I realize that I was correct when I believed I had a higher purpose in life, that I was going to change the world and people would know my name. I just had no idea at the time that the name I'd be known as and remembered by in the world was "Dad".
February 21st, 2016
(I have never mentioned what my addiction was to in public, I always just say I don't drink. I must admit I am not totally comfortable with my decision to do so this morning, I am always very private and protective of this because of the stigma that comes with Heroin Addiction but I feel today more than anytime in the past people need to hear from us who have seen the other side of addiction and known a better life. This addiction is tearing apart our kids, our friends, our family and I hope that maybe if one person sees it's possible than it's worth it to share something so private with others.)
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